Grief is an emotional response of deep, sorrowful feelings we naturally experience after a loss. Although most of us associate grieving as the state we experience following the death of a loved one, there are various forms of loss that can lend to grief. Ended relationships, health issues, relocating, job loss, unfulfilled dreams or missing a beloved pet are other types of loss that can lead to intense feelings of sadness.
Although many of us have encountered significant loss in our lives, it can still feel like unchartered territory each time we experience it. This is because each loss is different. The level of emotional intensity we endure depends greatly on the quality of the relationship.
Your Way
There is no order to the emotions accompanying loss. Shock, anger, confusion, denial, sadness, despair, loneliness, guilt, anxiety and acceptance are common threads associated with grief. Though these can be uncomfortable, they are all natural to undergo. One of the important things to remember is to allow yourself to have these feelings. It’s okay to not be okay. Validate how you feel and do your best NOT to avoid feeling. This may be very difficult since grief can be quite painful.
Grief has no boundaries with time. When someone close to us dies, the following year can be the most difficult. It’s a time of experiencing “firsts” without our loved one. Moving through holidays, birthdays, and vacations are all reminders of the void left by their absence while adapting to the changes. As life continues, it’s common for grief to wax and wane with the feelings of loss intensifying during various reflective moments and milestones. Certain smells, songs, occasions and experiences can bring back vivid memories accompanied by waves of emotions.
Time Matters
Another aspect of time is how prepared we are prior to the loss. It’s not unusual to begin grieving for someone, without realizing it, at the onset of a terminal illness or declining health due to age. When someone dies suddenly, we are not afforded the opportunity to prepare ourselves, if possible, emotionally.
Keep in mind that grief is not something we “go through,” move on from” or “get over.” Our life changes when we go through loss and the difficulty lies in coming to a place of acceptance. Holding onto our grief keeps us feeling close to the loss. We don’t want others to forget what has happened. Coming to a place of acceptance, we begin to give grief permission to loosen its hold on us. It’s also the realization that continuing to live our life doesn’t mean we’re leaving the loss behind us. It is a part of us forever, yet we slowly learn how to transition back into life, different than before, in our new circumstances. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, as long as you allow yourself to grieve.
Judith Macek is a licensed professional clinical counselor in Portage County who works with all ages and diagnoses, specializing in anxiety, depression and grief counseling. To reach her, call (330) 398-5000.
