Aging and Life Enhancement
By Kathryn Kilpatrick, M.A.
They may forget what you said,
but they will never forget how you made them feel. ~Carl W. Buechner
Being a caregiver brings many challenges and as well as opportunities. If a person’s specific preferences are not known or met, underlying frustrations can build.
Perhaps you prefer a certain TV network for your nightly news, like sweet tea, or want the thermostat set at a certain temperature. Sometimes certain friends or family members may not be tuned into a person’s idiosyncrasies. It is not unusual to have this trigger some challenging behaviors, particularly when it is difficult for a person to pass along some of their preferences, when there are age-related challenges, or the person is reluctant to speak up.
A colleague from years ago developed an excellent resource for an Advance Care Plan based on the Platinum Rule by Dr. Tony Alessandra:
Do unto others as they would do unto themselves.
While the “Golden Rule” suggests doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, the questionnaire template she created for hour-by-hour daily lifestyle choices focused on what the person receiving care preferred as a way to learn their preferences. What a gift to be able to have insights into this type of information. Dignity matters and knowing someone’s likes and dislikes can lead to more appropriate assistance, support and meaningful experiences.
Doing unto others as they would do unto themselves suggests a person-centered approach. When there is a hired caregiver or someone lives in a senior community, it can be helpful to share this information when appropriate with others assisting in care. In these types of situations, practicality and safety will also need to be primary considerations. Sometimes, it is just the little things that matter and can “make their day.”
Meet people where they are and love them on the level that they can receive it.
~Oprah Winfrey
By knowing the little things that matter when providing care, it can shift the energy as you create more meaningful moments and they feel your compassion and respect.
Here are some insights that may help in coming up with similar activities more appropriate for circumstances where there be limitations to work around. Maybe going to church, the movies or other venues may not be possible any longer but alternatives with technological options should be considered, depending on any modifications needed for attention span, hearing or vision challenges.
Who will be ‘Me’ for Me?
Where to begin? When considering your future needs, think about your own preferences in some of these areas and share them in a written format with someone who can act as your spokesperson if/when needed. Start with the ones that jump out at you and over time you may realize others that need to be expressed. Sometimes, just getting people together informally and sharing stories will get those wheels turning. And preferences may change! One daughter wanted to do this with her parents but they were reticent so they got the adult children together, talking about their preferences; it wasn’t long before the parents joined in. It started with being surprised by the answers of others but the strategy worked and it was meaningful time spent by all.
What are your preferences–things you prefer to eat or drink, wear, rituals, sleep patterns, clothing, spiritual needs, entertainment or ways to relax? Also consider previous jobs, hobbies, and pastimes for clues and learn more about the things that may not be of interest at all.
What matters to me: having a scarf around my neck on chilly days, earrings please, water with no ice unless it is a really hot day, and I will not drink coffee if it is no longer hot. I used to sew, do macrame, counted cross stitch, and did weaving and quilting, so looking through pictures with finished items or a how-to video on YouTube might have more appeal than watching a football game. Weird perhaps, but that is my “ comfort zone” and I would feel more content!
In some of my training sessions for caregivers and health care professionals, it was quite interesting to hear what attendees wanted and did not want. Never know what you will learn! Many thought that it also helped to awaken them to sharing their wants which led to an understanding of how learning more about the person they are engaging with for care as a way to not just pass the time but create moments that might matter in the moment.
Being proactive is an essential part of this process of “meeting someone where they are” since assistance from friends or professional caregivers may not be introduced as part of a “caring plan” until there are complications such as hearing, vision, speech, mobility and/or financial limitations or confusion.
Being unable to communicate personal preferences can lead to frustrations and sometimes difficult behaviors. With caregiver turnover or multiple caregivers, it is important to continue sharing information as changes occur. Moving into a senior community at the different levels of care provides additional challenges but it is important to remember that sometimes it is the little things that count, so sharing should be an integral part of the “caring” plan, whether it’s for your loved one or for yourself.
There are only four kinds of people in this world: those who have been caregivers, those who are caregivers, those who will be caregivers,
and those who will need caregivers. ~Rosalynn Carter
