Aging and Life Enhancement
By Kathryn Kilpatrick, M.A.
Life is precious. When a loved one has some communication and/or memory/cognitive challenges, increased frailty or less interest in doing things, you may need to change what you do when visiting.
Oftentime in these cases, the frequency of visits declines, or the visits become shorter. Sometimes television programs become the focus of time spent together. We want to connect, but what came naturally before just does not seem to flow like it used to.
There is nothing more beautiful than someone who goes out of their way to make life beautiful for others. ~Mandy Hale
Many older adults were from the generation that wrote and received letters to stay in touch. They would usually spend time on the front porch or sit around the kitchen table and share their stories. They were more likely to linger. Do you notice any changes in them recently? Are they are just listening, with little participation, especially at larger gatherings? If there are hearing, speech or memory problems, you can probably count on it.
The pace of life is so much quicker now, and some may describe it as impersonal. Just watching loved ones using technology during visits may seem so out of place in the world where they spend most of their time. If we take a moment to step back, perhaps there is something we can learn as we listen to what they are trying to tell us, perhaps not in certain words but through their actions or lack of them. How can we be more present, and create some meaningful time together? How can we meet them where they are in their journey?
Be Mentally Present When Visiting
During a session with a client in assisted living, I noticed a son visiting his mom at lunchtime. What a wonderful opportunity to enjoy time with her and her friends, or so I thought. He spent most of his time on his cell phone, conducting business. Perhaps it was necessary, but I wonder what she was thinking or feeling? I hope he stayed after their lunch to spend some meaningful time with her.
When I went to visit my mom in her assisted living in another state, I tried to stay focused on why I was there. It was important for me to share meals with her and her new friends, listening to and encouraging stories. It was so interesting to get to know them, many over a period of a year or more.
Each of us might want to think about our visits and if there are some changes we might want or need to make. It is easy to become caught up in our busy world, rushing from one thing to another on our to-do list. Is your visit just something to check off on your list? Does our loved one see us as just rushing in and out, taking care of whatever needs to be done, but not really just being together and lingering for awhile?
We all do it from time to time, myself included. And sometimes, taking care of other matters may be necessary. Since I took time off from my therapy position and traveled out-of-state to see my mom, I was able to manage my other work-related responsibilities here and there during the day. I tried not to let it interfere with our plans.
I can remember the day, however, when I caught myself preoccupied and not really listening. I was trying to tune out her telling me how to do something I had been doing for decades on my own and I was annoyed but I knew she was just being “my mom.” What ran through my mind was what might happen in the future. If she had more hearing, memory and communication problems, I would probably be yearning for those good old days when we were able to have any kind of conversation. With that, I got back to a better place of awareness, and it stayed with me from that time on.
Spend Personal Time Before Bringing Up Sensitive Topics
Here is something to think about if your visit also includes discussing some important concerns. An attorney called me one day to share one of his client’s frustrations. The son wanted his dad to discuss planning for the future, including issues like health care and financial Power of Attorney, but was not having any success.
Without knowing any of the details, I asked whether or not he was spending quality time visiting his dad, maybe doing one of his dad’s favorite activities. If he was just coming in for a quick visit to handle business rather than spending quality time with his dad, I suggested that the son might want to reconsider his approach before trying some of those more challenging conversations.
When a loved one has memory or hearing loss, how do you help them engage in mentally stimulating activities? Families and friends are delighted when a person who previously spent more time sleeping or watching television begins to show interest in other things. Participation is more likely when activities are modified to the appropriate level of difficulty, taking their interests into consideration.
** Activities are everywhere and can provide opportunities for socialization, conversations and some smiles. Sometimes, the most enjoyable time together could be a spontaneous happening, not a major planned event.
** Knowing their story helps you to link the activities to previous interests. Do not
forget about a person’s spiritual interests. Also, remember that pets and children
can help to change the interest level for some older adults.
* * Stimulate their senses. It could be familiar music or just the smell of person’s
favorite food that can generate some memory sharing.
** Build on the person’s strengths. Modifications may be needed. When an older
adult can no longer enjoy reading books, doing their favorite word puzzles, or
writing letters, there may be other options. Reading shorter and large print
stories, doing a puzzle together with someone or doing a simpler version, or
copying a short sentence or two on a card they want to send for a special
occasion may be ways to simplify that favorite activity.
** An older adult may have difficulty organizing or initiating some of their favorite
activities, even those that are modified. You may be surprised at how
successful the activity can be if you help them get started and provide
assistance if they are not sure what to do next. Getting into a more easy-going
mode is essential and will create more enjoyable moments.
Smile is the light in your window that tells others that there is a caring, sharing person inside. ~Denis Waitley
** Reminiscing is often more of interest than current events. Photographs from the
past, old television programs and movies may open the door to some pleasurable
time together and bring up stories you may not have heard before. When visiting
my mom, we often enjoyed a lunch I made in her apartment instead of going to the
dining room while watching her favorite soap operas. Once back home, I had her
update me on what was happening, which she enjoyed doing; it was a way to
engage her memory in a pleasurable way.
* Build on the things that work and try other modifications if you see there is some
interest. You might need to offer more assistance, slow the pace, or do an activity
for shorter periods of time.
Remember, it is about sharing time together rather than striving for perfection.
To those who see with loving eyes, life is beautiful. For those who speak with tender voices, life is peaceful. For those who help with gentle hands, life is full. And to those who care with compassionate hearts, life is good beyond measure.” ~author unknown
