By the Hanna Perkins Grandmothers
We talk about the good old days when mothers could shout at their children, “You’re driving me crazy; go outside and play!”
These days, a mom is more likely to say, “Now, in five minutes I’m going to have to ask you to turn off your iPad because it’s almost time for soccer practice.” Our kids are raising their kids very differently from the way they were brought up.
What It Means
Being a parent has become more complex, stressful and competitive. Young parents seem to feel it’s their responsibility to make a child’s life one long string of successes. They seem to think they’re in control of these small lives, and that they’re failures as parents if everything doesn’t go as planned.
These impulses are not all wrong. Good parents have always wanted to protect their children from harm – and themselves from the pain of seeing their children cry or fail. But we’re here to remind everyone that, quite possibly, they aren’t in control at all, which is one aspect of parenting that has never changed.
Here are six timeless truths parents need to know – things you might pass along at the right moment.
No. 1: Being a parent is hard. Raising kids has never been and will never be unmitigated joy. Children get scared; they get sad; they shock you by hurting others; they drive you nuts with whining and complaining. Such difficult moments are part of being a parent.
No. 2: Being a child is hard. They’ve never been here before, so we can’t expect them to think the way we do, or perceive reality in the same way. The best we can do is work to understand the ways their still-developing brains operate and adapt to what they are capable of understanding and what they are not.
No. 3: Self-esteem cannot be purchased. It can’t be bought with litanies of praise (“Good job!”) or actual medals and trophies. Self-esteem comes from accomplishments that children master on their own.
No. 4: Feelings speak louder than words. Those are the parents’ feelings we’re talking about. A child is quick to sense how mom or dad is feeling. If they’re saying one thing but feeling another, the child will know it. Acknowledging your own feelings in a trying situation makes it easier to recognize the child’s.
No. 5: They crawl before they walk. The ages and stages of child development are predictable and relatively unchanging. Don’t expect toddler behavior of an infant, and don’t think your toddler should “know better” than to bite a playmate.
No. 6: Only once a child. There are no do-overs for childhood, so don’t rush kids through it.
Here’s one final truth: Everyone’s going to survive this. Our children survived parenting that would now be viewed as negligence if not outright neglect, and their children will survive what our generation sometimes sees as overindulgence and gross permissiveness. The world may be going to hell in a handbasket, but thanks to the work of each new generation of parents, it hasn’t gotten there yet.
The Grandmothers are early-childhood educators who have a long association with Hanna Perkins Center for Child Development. They are Maria Kaiser, the late Ginny Steininger, Georgianna Roberts and Kathy Smith Baker. Their book, “Timeless Advice for Parents of Young Children,” written with consultation from Hanna Perkins Education Director Barbara Streeter is available at Amazon.com.
