By Rosette Barron Haim
Remember when your parents made you practice your handshake?
Not too soft like a fish; that would mean you couldn’t be trusted, but not too strong; that would crush a hand (especially if a woman wore a ring.)
Essential to that first impression was the proper, firm handshake. Your handshake was your word.
Those were the days, too, when a warm hug meant “I recognize you and care about you.” The hug came with a bonus of the release of endorphins in your body that offered comfort and connection.
And a kiss hello on the cheek? My parents were Turkish-Jews, so culturally on both counts, if you neglected the air-kiss on one cheek or two, you were deemed disrespectful and fated to hear the dreaded, “Honey, give ‘your aunt’ a kiss hello.” Every guest received the honorific title of aunt or uncle.
With the Coronavirus hanging onto everything we touch, it has destroyed the greetings that were second nature to the way we conveyed more than just ‘hello.’ In this era, how do we say hello and communicate all these other aspects of these simple greetings?
Greetings with Meanings
During these last few months of the pandemic, like you, I’ve tried to figure out how to greet people I care about and even the stranger in a way that best protected us both from this dreaded virus.
At first, I’d do the elbow touch.Then I realized that we have been taught to cough and sneeze in our elbows, so that is a really bad idea. Plus it meant upending social distancing guidelines. I started examining other cultures for their greetings and discovered that their forms of acknowledgment served the purpose of maintaining modesty or of managing position. A woman and man would not shake hands but nod their heads; a bow would show humility but who went first mattered. So what’s left?
The wave—not the kind you do at the baseball stadium—who knows when we’ll be there again… No, the wave, like a handshake, has a discernable firmness or shyness associated with it. It is a gesture of enthusiasm, if done rapidly; if the hand is stationary at eye level, it is respectful; with the pageant wave, we convey a warm hello.
Indeed, the wave requires a certain amount of confidence and courage. And when accompanied by facial expressions if you’re significantly socially distanced outside, or even just the positioning of eyebrows when wearing a mask, it shares a message of joy, sadness, hopeful friendship or harassed hurriedness. It’s an invitation to come to join you or to keep your distance.
And the hug. I’ve started hugging myself with the exuberance I’d be hugging the person in front of me. Add jumping up and down to indicate ‘I’m sooo happy to see you;’ add the downcast head and hand to your heart to mean ‘I’m so sorry for your loss.’
And our words matter even more than before. What would your parents say before “use your words”? Your word can be your seal of a deal. Your words written in a letter or on a makeshift sign point to the way we are reminded that our words matter.
Keeping our distance while sustaining our relationships matters. Perhaps like me, you’ve never appreciated your backyard more. Meeting outdoors in good weather answers the need to see friends and family. As I anticipate the fall, I imagine more wear for those fabulous sweaters and scarves I’ve accumulated while dining outside or when walking and hiking outdoors with friends to keep warm.
While we feel all kinds of losses in this pandemic, we’re also expanding our symbolic greetings and the ways we entertain to make up for them. We’re all doing our best to find ways to keep each other safe and still keep each other close to our hearts and conduct our business. When it’s over, God-willing soon, the silver lining may well be that we will have learned a new language to convey our caring for each other and for everyone in our communities.
Rabbi Rosette Barron Haim of Beachwood is the creator of Celebrating Jewish Life. CelebratingJewishLife.com is a subscription series that seeks to balance the social and sacred aspects of Jewish holiday traditions through meaningful spiritual, cultural and communal experiences.
