Friend Power
Making Connections that Count
“True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. To find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing.“
— Baltasar Gracian
Friendships define nearly every stage of life.
From playing with neighborhood pals during elementary school, to hanging out in junior high, to exploring adolescence through high school, and then branching out at college and at work, many of us can relate each era to a specific friend or friends.
As time, geographical distance, career choices, military service, marriages, families, divorces and other turning points make their marks, friendships can fizzle. While new situations offer opportunities for new friendships, sometimes it’s just easier to keep to yourself.
Do You Have Friends?
By the time people pass middle age, many find themselves friendless, isolated and lonely. Twenty-eight percent of people 65 and older live alone, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
About two-thirds of older men report not having a close friend, and 16 percent of widows have no friends. This can take a toll on one’s emotional, mental and physical health. Social isolation and loneliness are linked to higher risks of cognitive decline, depression, chronic disease and mortality in adults 52 and older, according to a study published by Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
If misery loves company, consider this: 10,000 people nationwide turn 65 or older every day. Locally, 282,513 people age 60 and older live in Cuyahoga County. Adults 60 and older constituted 21.3 percent of Cuyahoga County’s population in 2010. By 2030, this population is projected to grow to 31 percent, outnumbering those younger than 20, according to The Center for Community Solutions.
Taking into account this strength in numbers, this age group is in a prime position to reach out to friends — new and old — for meaningful companionship, support and human contact.
Make New Friends
If you don’t have an old friend you can count on, take the initiative to become a friend to someone new. Join social clubs, civic groups, volunteer organizations, community events, church activities, fitness centers or adult classes to meet people and build a good relationship.
One example of a local friend generator is the Brecksville Women’s Club, organized in 1949 to create a cultural, philanthropic and social outlet for area women.
Its 120-plus membership draws from seven surrounding communities. Lunch meetings with speakers take place the fourth Tuesday of every month at St. Michael’s Woodside on Mill Road, in Broadview Heights.
Club President Mary Ann Baum says members range in age from 40 to 90. She joined nearly 10 years ago, shortly after moving to a new area when her neighbor extended an invitation to her.
Baum says the club meets many needs.
“Getting out is the best thing. It’s something to look forward to every month,” she says.
“It’s a warm feeling to know you’re in the company of people who care about you and miss you if you don’t show up. We send out cards and visit people who get sick, and we get the word out if someone passes away. We support each other.”
Members raise money for local scholarships and other causes. Baum says that working together on fundraising helps members develop new friendships while reaching toward a shared goal.
Treasure Old Friends
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”
— Elizabeth Foley
Childhood friendships rarely endure the tests of time. There’s nothing more precious than knowing someone has your back, no matter how long it’s been since you last saw each other.
Holly and Bella* became fast friends as juniors at Lakewood High School back in the early ’80s. They each joined the cross country team that year, and also shared AP English and history classes.
They soon realized they not only matched each other’s running pace, but also each other’s interests in the arts, adventure, travel and fitness. They challenged each other to faster race times, higher academic achievements and loftier dreams for the future.
While their college paths took them in different directions, their lives followed similar rhythms.
The friends each got married the same summer and started raising families at about the same time. They have stayed in touch through the years, encouraging each other through life’s ups and downs.
While they live in different regions of the country, they continue to laugh and cry together over empty nest syndrome, the loss of loved ones and the pitfalls of aging.
Looking back over their 35-year friendship, Holly says, “It makes me feel rooted to have a good friend who has known me, who has experienced children and career struggles and triumphs. The fact that we are still alive while others have not made it, makes our friendship all the more precious to me.”
Now that they have successfully launched their adult children, Holly and Bella are starting to dream again about their own futures.
“Part of our strength comes from knowing now we have time to focus on our own goals again,” Holly says. “Kids are older, so here comes time for us to discover what we want to become anew.”
Grab an old friend or make a new one to share the journey.
* Not their real names. The two friends wanted to maintain their privacy — and their friendship.
Why Men Fail at Friendship
Friendships between men function and falter in three main ways, according to the sociological theory the Male Deficit Model.
- Convenience Friends exchange helpful favors but don’t interact much otherwise.
- Mentor Friends are just what it sounds like — they connect primarily through a mentoring relationship.
- Activity Friends engage in sports, hunting, car racing or other shared interests.
Men tend to drift apart whenever the shared convenience, mentorship or activity ends.
Male friendships are far less intimate than female friendships and result in competition and lower friendship satisfaction among men, according to studies supporting the theory.
The closer men stick to traditional male gender roles — like self-reliance and a reluctance to share their feelings — the worse their friendships fare, according to a California State University-Humboldt study.
Consequently, the older they get, the more men accept their friendlessness. That’s a dangerous place to land.
Loneliness is just as harmful to health as not exercising, smoking 15 cigarettes a day and alcoholism, and twice as dangerous as being obese — that’s according to studies compiled by Brigham Young University.
Friendships between men can boost their life spans as much as 22 percent, an Australian study concluded.
The takeaway for both men and women: Get out there and make a new friend or call up an old one — for your sake as well as theirs.
