Second Marriage Success
By Margaret Briller
With a second marriage, it pays to take your time, especially for people 50 and older. That’s the takeaway from a local relationship coach who has seen the benefits and pitfalls of later-in-life remarriages.
You’ve done your due diligence about finding a second marriage partner and you’ve invested time meeting the potential new family members. But laying the groundwork for a successful second marriage is a complicated dance if you want to create a happy, healthy and long-lasting family unit. It’s going to take all the relationship skills you have acquired during your first five decades to master the relationship skills needed to succeed in a new marriage and a new family configuration.
Plenty of Challenges
Kathy Dawson, a popular Northeast Ohio relationship coach, provides an alternative to conventional marriage counseling by helping married and engaged couples, as well as divorced and single people, improve their lives by improving their relationships. Dawson recommends going slowly when considering a second marriage or a committed relationship, especially when folks are over 50.
“When marrying for a second time, take new relationships slow and steady,” Dawson says “You don’t want to enter into a new family or friend circle like a bull in a china shop. Remember, these relationships are new to you but have been in your partner’s life for a long time. So honor whatever boundaries your mate has in place in these close connections.”
Another important consideration is making sure that spouse or partner becomes your number one priority. “People stay in or leave a marriage, basically because of how they feel about themselves in the company of the other person,” Dawson points out. “If a person no longer feels he or she matters — or is not a priority to the other person — that is a huge red flag. This is the time to vocalize that you feel invisible in the relationship and the reasons for it.”
Before couples marry, they should have a realistic plan for dealing with elderly parents, adult children, friend groups, and how and where to spend their holidays. You don’t want the comment, “I didn’t know you felt that way” to surface later.
“If a couple is dealing with a situation they haven’t talked about before, they should express their concerns in a way that doesn’t sound accusatory,” Dawson explains. “They have to be good at validating each other’s feelings, especially if they don’t share those feelings. When coming up with a solution, realize that no one person will get his or her way 100% of the time. Exercising their teamwork muscle in problem-solving is one of the best ways to strengthen a relationship. But they have to hear each other first.”
Working to make that second marriage or relationship more successful than the first isn’t luck, because history tends to repeat itself. According to Dawson, each partner played a part in the breakdown of the previous marriage. “You take yourself with you to every relationship. So own up to what part you played in the marriage’s demise and work to change whatever you may have done to contribute to it.”
If you really want to start on solid ground, a third party listening in may be the best solution. Dawson recommends a qualified relationship therapist and coach to offer the “big picture” view.
“Make that call before you’ve been on a merry-go-round of arguments, silent treatment or avoidance (long before) you already have one foot out of the relationship,” Dawson says. “A third-party observer can help you and your mate get back on track. It’s also not a bad idea to see a relationship specialist either before you get married or at the beginning of the marriage. Prevention is a good thing.”
Love & Divorce, American Style
Successful second marriages face relatively tough odds for couples over 50. The divorce rate has nearly doubled since the 1990s among those in second marriages.
For every 1,000 married people 50 and older, 10 divorced, up from five in 1990. For those 65 and older, the divorce rate has tripled. These statistics come from figures gathered by Pew Research Center from the National Center for Health Statistics and the U.S. Census Bureau.
