By Estelle Rodis-Brown
It used to be so easy. When the grandchildren were young, your role was simpler: rock the baby, read the toddler a story, attend the school program or ball game. But now the grandchildren are older teens or young adults. How do you stay relevant in their busy lives?
It’s not unusual for grandparents to lose a sense of connection with their older grandchildren, but it’s not an inevitable slide into loss of relationship. Effort, adaptability and consistency can build and maintain treasured bonds strained by age, time and distance.
Mental health case manager Tahira Wilson agrees. She works with older clients at Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging. Wilson and her 89-year-old grandmother have always been close. Their relationship remains strong because her grandmother shares her traditions and values, yet stays open-minded, engaged and tech-savvy, despite their generational differences.
Stay Connected
Whether you live 1,500 miles away or down the street from your older grandchild, you can feel disengaged unless you adopt their favorite mode of communication, says Dr. Stephanie Fallcreek, DSW, President and CEO of Fairhill Partners, a Cleveland-based organization committed to lifelong learning, intergenerational relationships and successful aging.
“They probably know strangers on Facebook (or TikTok, Instagram, etc.) better than they know you, unless you’re also on that digital platform,” Dr. Fallcreek says.
If you want to revive a relationship that has faded over time or distance, reach out on your cell phone — not for emailing or calling — but texting.
“Text messaging is a relatively low-tech way to engage using the communication styles of contemporary grandkids,” she says. But don’t bombard them with long texts they’ll have to scroll through. Get text-literate and learn popular abbreviations for common phrases.
Video-chatting also accommodates face-to-face interaction without having to make a special trip. Use built-in free apps (FaceTime for iPhone users, Google Duo for Android users) or alternate video-chat apps, including Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, Tango, Skype or Zoom, among others. The Marco Polo app allows you to leave video and text messages for your grandchildren to watch on their own time. Then they can reply in kind.
Effort Counts
“You need to meet them halfway or more,” Dr. Fallcreek says. “If you’re expecting to communicate, take it upon yourself to get current with what they’re thinking, seeing and doing. Do your homework.”
Research what’s trending online so you’re at least informed about popular culture. Ask open-ended questions about how your grandchild spends their time so you can learn what matters to them.
Be strategic, as if you’re applying for the job as #1 Grandparent and preparing for the interview, Dr. Fallcreek advises. What benefits can you offer this relationship? You’ll discern what your grandchild values from you as you learn what makes them tick.
Wilson adds, “Don’t get easily offended if you don’t hear from your grandchildren as often as before. Stay consistent and keep reaching out. You make the calls. You have the time. And you’re probably the anchor that keeps the family together. They’ll come back around.”
It can take time to regain a relationship if you have become estranged. Wilson says some of her clients reached out once a week for a full year before their grandchildren became responsive. But it was worth the wait.
Proceed Carefully
Once you regain communications, “Don’t oversell yourself or promise something you can’t deliver,” Dr. Fallcreek advises. “Offer love, predictability and experience.”
Wilson adds, “As grandparents, we’re preparing to leave this world. We want to leave our grandchildren memories and tools they can use to succeed in life. Explain that to them so they understand it’s important to learn your stories and traditions so they can carry them forward.”
Make your conversations thoughtful, intentional and respectful. “It calls upon all of your age-acquired wisdom and discernment to navigate through this,” Dr. Fallcreek says. Despite a tendency to drop filters and speak your mind, she says to “be quick to praise (that which is genuinely praiseworthy) and be slow to criticize (that which you think is problematic).”
Don’t denounce your grandchild, their interests or their parents. Your goal is to bridge the gap and build relationships, so don’t undercut yourself by becoming a source of alienation and resentment.
If you’re reaching out to minors, don’t leave their parents out of the puzzle. “Don’t do stealth relationship-building,” Dr. Fallcreek advises. Ask for parents’ guidelines so they recognize your involvement will make things better, not worse. Build trust through transparency.
Missteps can happen when connecting with older grandchildren. You may stumble upon unfortunate developments or family secrets. Don’t let that stop you from trying anyway.
“This isn’t all spun sugar and frosting,” Dr. Fallcreek says. “In families, we make difficult decisions all the time. It can be difficult to negotiate but it’s worth the effort.
“You might not be able to fly to California or even drive to Michigan (to be with your grandchildren). But as long as you can communicate, you still have the potential to build a lifetime relationship. Be a positive force in your family, bridging age, time and space.”
