If You Ask Me…
ADVICE: Zip It or Give It?
By Estelle Rodis-Brown
“If you ask me, what that child needs is a good spanking!” said a well-meaning grandmother to her daughter as her toddler threw a tantrum in the grocery store.
Problem is, nobody asked for grandma’s two cents. And in the heat of the moment, that well-meaning advice was not only unwelcome and unhelpful, but also offensive, putting increased strain on an already-tense relationship.
Proceed with Caution…
“It’s definitely a big stressor for families when grandparents want to be involved, but not over-involved,” says Rick Maroon, a licensed counselor and director at The Clinic for Individual and Family Counseling at The University of Akron.
The clinic provides general counseling services to university students, faculty, staff along with clients from the greater Akron community. Offering individual, couples, family, and group counseling services addressing mental health concerns, the clinic serves 1,000 people annually. Therapy includes communication and relationship enhancement, family development and parenting skills, personal understanding and growth, and stress management, among other services.
With a background in marriage and family therapy, ad hoc Professor Maroon says that when in doubt, grandparents with good intentions should withhold their helpful advice until tempers have cooled, grandchildren are not within earshot, and they can ask their children (and/or in-laws) if they would like some help.
Before you find yourself tangled up in messy family relations, consider Maroon’s expert advice:
- DON’T ASSUME YOUR WAY IS THE ONLY WAY
“Patterns of behavior and knowledge change from generation to generation,” Maroon reminds us. “Respect that your children are probably keeping up with the best practices of the day. Your children and their partners are different people than you are. There’s no one-size-fits-all model for parenting. Times are different now. Methods are different now. Respect those differences.” - DO ASK BEFORE YOU OFFER ADVICE
Before you rush into the heat of the moment with either advice or action that was neither requested nor appreciated, Maroon advises waiting for a time when heads are calm and tempers are cool. Then bring up the incident(s) that trouble you and say to your son or daughter, “Would you mind if I shared some concerns with you? I have noticed a pattern in little Johnny’s behavior. Can you use some help to keep things from escalating next time he doesn’t get what he wants?”
Maroon says that sometimes parents feel so frenzied, they might need help but don’t know where to start. If you ask them about it privately, in a non-threatening way, they will be more likely to respond favorably.
- DO BACK OFF AFTER YOU’VE SAID YOUR PIECE
“After offering your two cents, step back and allow them to work it out,” Maroon says. “Remember, your advice is not the law. You had your time on the field as a parent yourself. Now, as a grandparent, this is your time to cheer from the sidelines. Your job is to support, not to be the center of the action.”
As grandparents, we have the privilege of walking away from the situation while the parents must live with it. With this in mind, grandparents should take a breather and occupy themselves with other matters, leaving the problem in the parents’ hands, Maroon says.
- DON’T UNDERMINE PARENTS’ AUTHORITY
Maybe you treated your own children to Happy Meals or other fast food when they were young, but junk food is forbidden in your grandchildren’s home. Do not go behind your children’s backs to treat your grandchildren to the forbidden fruit, Maroon warns.
“Do not undermine the parents’ authority,” he says. “If you sneak behind their backs and go against their rules, it becomes a dirty little secret and incites a problem, pitting parent against child” in each generation.
If you babysit your grandchild in your own home, house rules are on your turf, but you should always respect your children’s parenting priorities.
There are always exceptions and special cases. A growing number of grandparents are carrying an equal or greater responsibility for raising their grandchildren than their own parents do. In such cases, grandparents hold a weightier authority over their grandchildren’s behavior and development. Even so, Maroon advises that they not rely on standards and expectations from 30 years ago. Instead, get advice from family counseling and medical professionals for today’s best practices.
Yikes! I Need Help
For more information about family relations or healthy coping mechanisms from generation to generation, contact The Clinic for Individual and Family Counseling at [email protected] or 330-972-6822.
Further online resources are available at the American Counseling Association (ACA), the American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy (AAMFT) or the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).
