Tiger. Elephant. Dolphin. Bulldozer. Lawnmower. Snowplow. Helicopter. Free-Range. Lighthouse.
What do all of these have in common? They’re all trending parenting styles. The current generation of parents may be authoritarian, authoritative, permissive or neglectful, just as in our day, but the labels have changed.
Deciphering today’s terms can reveal the motivations behind the parenting approach you see from your children or in other families you know. You may even recognize your own parenting style(s) along the way.
As Dr. Geoffrey Putt says, “There’s nothing new under the sun… just different trendy terms to describe them.”
A licensed pediatric psychologist at Akron Children’s Hospital and associate professor of psychiatry at NEOMED, Dr. Putt sorts through today’s common parenting types and labels, explaining the benefits and drawbacks of each.
Keep in mind that each of the following is an extreme characterization. Dr. Putt says balance is found in taking the best of each type and leading with love. Moderation is more important than any one style. “The dose makes the poison,” he says.
Each term reflects four basic parenting styles. Ideally, parents (and grandparents, in some families) should strike a balance between independence and rules, work and play.
TIGER
Popularized by author Amy Chua who wrote “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” Tiger parents are authoritarian, pressuring children to attain high levels of academic achievement or success in extracurricular activities. These parents are strict, demanding and motivated by accomplishments more than emotional connection. While children of tiger parents generally achieve high levels of academic and career success, Dr. Putt warns that these neurotic over-achievers never feel “good enough, since perfection is expected and excellence is merely tolerated.”
Pros
- Leads to more productive, responsible and motivated children
- Children develop a strong work ethic and the ability to challenge themselves
- Children focus on intrinsic motivation vs. external rewards
Cons
- Causes children to be self-critical and undermines their confidence
- An intense focus on perfection can cause anxiety and depression
- Fear of making mistakes leads to poor coping skills
ELEPHANT
Opposite of tigers, comparably permissive elephant parents foster emotional closeness with their offspring, focusing on the emotional security and connection with the child. These parents try not to raise their voices and value encouragement over academic or athletic success.
Pros:
- Creates a carefree childhood environment
- Provides opportunities to let kids be kids
- Offers a feeling of comfort and support
Cons:
- May not provide children with needed boundaries
- Creates overly dependent children
- Makes it difficult for children to adjust to adulthood
DOLPHIN
This authoritative parenting style aligns itself to the motto, “It takes a village to raise a child;” or in this metaphor, it takes a pod. Dolphin parents believe in collaboration, flexibility and balance, meaning not too strict while also still having rules, and being supportive but not overprotective. It is considered a happier medium between permissive jellyfish/supportive panda and authoritarian tiger parenting.
Pros:
- Flexible parenting style is built around strong and social connections
- Resists over-parenting and over-scheduled lifestyles
- Applies rules and consequences but it also focuses on the power of play
Cons:
- Can be a struggle to maintain parental balance
- Child may not be an overachiever
- Collaborative discussions can be time-consuming
HELICOPTER/LAWNMOWER/SNOWPLOW/BULLDOZER
As this progressive set of images suggests, these over-involved parents hover over or stand in the gap for their child, removing obstacles that cause the child discomfort, challenges or struggles. “They physically clear the child’s path, doing the work for them,” Dr. Putt says.
While this style seems supportive, it is actually considered authoritarian because the parent calls the shots, removing choice from the child and driving them in a direction set by the parent.
Pros:
- Child feels supported by parents
- Parents feel needed and effective
- Parents and children feel connected
Cons:
- Children can struggle with self-reliance and independence
- Children may experience delayed maturity and self-doubt
- Children may fail to take responsibility
FREE-RANGE
These permissive parents allow their kids the freedom to make mistakes, explore and try new things without much guidance. They believe children can learn problem-solving skills through trial and error, and that natural consequences are some of life’s best teachers.
Pros:
- Encourages children to develop skills needed to become responsible adults
- Trusts children to make the right decisions
- Encourages independence and self-reliance
Cons:
- Lack of parental oversight increases potential danger to child
- Absence of structured, scheduled activities could make children resistant to following rules
- Child protective services may intervene, interpreting this parenting style as neglectful
LIGHTHOUSE
This imagery depicts authoritative parents as beacons of light who serve as role models for their children, projecting light from a distance to show them possible dangers ahead, trusting the child to adjust their course accordingly. These parents ensure the children don’t crash against the rocks, but trust they have the capacity to learn to ride the waves on their own.
Lighthouse parents provide unconditional love but not unconditional approval. They set high expectations and boundaries for what’s acceptable and what’s not.
Dr. Putt doesn’t hesitate when asked which type of parenting style he thinks is best. “The lighthouse is my favorite,” he says. “It creates a little distance — but not negligence — so the child develops independence and self-reliance. It focuses on modeling what we want to see; not doing it for them. This style has firm rules, structure, consequences and support.”
As you can see, the authoritative style of parenting — whether you call it Dolphin or Lighthouse — is considered the gold standard of balance, resulting in children with greater self-confidence, critical thinking, good behavior and academic performance. These outcomes are achieved by encouraging collaborative communication that is both firm and flexible (no cons to point out here!).
Authoritative parents are nurturing, responsive and supportive, yet set firm limits for their children. They attempt to control children’s behavior by explaining rules, having discussions and using reasoning. While these parents listen to a child’s viewpoint, they don’t always accept it.
“Ideally, parenting is about balance and moderation,” Dr. Putt says. “Don’t take any one of these parenting types as gospel. None of them is inherently bad, but each should be taken on balance. It depends on your goal.”
Estelle Rodis-Brown is a freelance writer from Portage County who also serves as digital/assistant editor of Boomer magazine. A mother and grandmother, she is committed to lifelong learning, wellness and pursuit of better living at any age.
