By Marie Elium
If you think dating in your 20s and 30s is tricky, ask someone 55 or older what it’s like to navigate the relationship game:
“I am 65 and female. Three years ago, I moved from Pennsylvania to Ohio. In both states and over the past decade, many of my friends and I have bemoaned not meeting anyone suitable—year after year.
We have been to large singles events to see around 200 well-groomed, energetic and interesting women, and seven guys in polyester clothing in need of dental work and a modern haircut. Smaller singles events, for example, happy hour in a local restaurant, might draw 25 women and three men.
Volunteer work, whether for a day or a season (Master Gardeners, library, Wounded Warrior Project, adult literacy, wildlife rehab, rabies clinics—you name it) is usually performed by mostly women.
Bars, meet-up groups, music events, cultural events, bus trips, hiking groups: many women, very few men. Our activities and participation reflect our actual interests. No women I know attend but are not interested in, for example, sporting events or gun shows to meet men.
Many of my friends have long given up on internet dating sites, either through disappointing experiences or for fear of being scammed or otherwise abused. Then there is the running commentary that men are looking for women 20-30 years younger than themselves. On this subject, the owner of a singles organization remarked: ‘Yes, but there is not a big demographic of women looking for men 20-30 years older than themselves.
The Ohio gender ratio is 96 men to 100 women, according to the internet. The question remains: ‘Where is everybody?’”
— an email from a reader who asked to remain anonymous
Money, health, family, past relationships and sex: too much of some—not enough of the other—complicate dating as an older adult. Plus, folks have an uneasy relationship with the topic. Even though it’s one of the most-requested story topics to be covered in Northeast Ohio Boomer magazine, almost everyone has requested anonymity when asked about their dating experiences.
Joyce McFarland, 86, of Twinsburg is an exception. She’s an active member of the Solon Senior Center and has had mixed success with dating since the death of her husband. Several men she has dated have died, one wanted a companion and marriage but no physical touching. Another insisted on keeping their relationship a secret.
Most of her single and widowed friends do group activities. Like others we talked to, McFarland has found the pool of eligible and willing dating partners shallow. Finding a match to connect with is complicated because of health, finances, family and other factors layered onto late-in-life relationships.
“The perception is you’re old, he’s old, so that’s enough,” she says. “I feel like I’m 65.”
Leo (not his real name), 70, started dating two years ago. “I wasn’t even looking,” he says, but met a woman in his neighborhood, found they had a lot in common including a love of hiking, and they’ve been together ever since.
“I think sometimes if you try to force it, it becomes more of a mental challenge,” he adds.
Another woman, 72, who’s been dating someone for a couple of years, advises others looking for a relationship to avoid focusing on someone’s past.
“We each keep evolving. Be open to who they are now. Don’t make judgments; it takes time to get to know someone,” she says.
She recommends the book “How to Know a Person,” by David Brooks as a good jumping-off point for new relationships.
If you’re hoping to get lucky in love or simply lucky in like, the common denominator often boils down to just that: luck. Is that helpful? Probably not. As with most things in life, there’s always a chance, and sometimes that’s enough.
Getting to Know Someone
With all its risks and hassles, why date?
Making connections with others is not only good for our health, but it also validates us. That’s the word from Cleveland relationship coach Kathy Dawson.
“Humans are not designed to be isolated. We’re designed to be in a relationship, whether it’s with someone from the opposite sex, the same sex, or in friendships. It’s important to surround ourselves with people. Our heart feels better. Loneliness is living on the surface in a relationship,” she says.
“Some people want a romantic relationship and some people want a companion to travel through life together to make ourselves feel relevant,” Dawson says.
When looking for a relationship or starting one, don’t come across as desperate. Don’t focus on outcomes or expectations. “Just go out and enjoy whomever you meet. Take it one day or date at a time,” she advises.
Dawson recommends three ways to get to know people. The first is through their stories. Look for opportunities to tell stories about yourself and to coax stories from the other person. A question-answer session comes across like an interview. Story sharing during a casual outing, like over coffee, and listening to those stories, unravels and reveals a lot.
After the initial get-together, plan an activity date, Dawson says. A game of pickleball or a walk in the park can show you how someone interacts with nature or a sport. Their actions and reactions are telling.
Finally, go to a movie or play together followed by dinner or drinks. Talking about what you’ve seen is another opportunity to share or tell stories, helping to further get to know someone.
Online Dating Sites To Try
SilverSingles (50 and older)
SeniorMatch (50 and older)
Don’t Get Burned
Most of us know at least one or two couples who met through online dating sites and now live happily ever after. Good for them, and hopefully good for you.
But occasionally, people encounter the dark side of online dating: scammers.
Dubbed “romance scammers,” these folks set up fake profiles and encourage you to go off the dating app to communicate. They then spin a tale of long-distance romance, claiming they’re in the military or are otherwise not available to meet in person. Next comes a cash grab: They want money for a family emergency, a plane ticket, or some other made-up story.
Reported romance scams have jumped 80 percent in recent years. Victims shelled out $547 million, most from gift cards to dating scammers in 2021, the most recent year available, according to federal regulators.
One red flag: the romance scammer wants your money fast and in a way that you can’t get it back, like the gift cards mentioned above or through Western Union, for example. Don’t send money to someone you’ve never met.
If you suspect a scam, report the incident to the dating site and the Federal Trade Commission’s fraud hotline: ReportFraud.ftc.gov.
The Art of Dating
First Step: Go on a Date
Let’s say it’s been 35 or 40 years since your last first date. Since then, you’ve married, and possibly buried your partner, raised kids, retired from a career, and maneuvered decades of joy-filled highs and crushing lows.
You’re on a date (finally). Now what? What do you say about a lifetime?
Not much, at least initially, say the dating experts at It’s Just Lunch, a popular matchmaking service that works one-on-one with clients throughout the dating process. Many of their clients are between 55 and 75 with long gaps between their last dates. Natalia Pajestka is a matchmaker for the Cleveland office, and Jolene Beaton is a dating coach.
While it’s tempting to “catch up” someone with your life story, that’s not a good strategy for a first date, Beaton says. “A big pitfall is getting stuck in the past, talking about past relationships instead of what they want to create.”
Pajestka says the key is to remain optimistic and open to learning about someone as they are today, not what they did or who they were. Those can be left to discover later as the relationship evolves.
Leave plenty of opportunities during the first date for small talk to get to know someone, Beaton adds. She’ll role-play with clients who are unsure of how to proceed.
For example, if someone asks about your plans for the weekend, instead of saying you’re going to run errands and visit your sister, try adding that you’re swinging by your favorite coffee shop because you love fancy coffee drinks, then you’re going to the farmers market because you enjoy cooking with fresh herbs. The visit to your sister? You’re heading to the art museum for an Impressionist exhibit. Details provide fodder for further conversation.
The popular TV show “The Golden Bachelor” put a spotlight on dating over 55, reminding people that sex, love, companionship and mutual interests can be as important to older adults as they are to younger people.
“Dating gets better with age because the kids are launched, money is better, they’ve gotten comfortable with their bodies. The 35-year-old might be looking with a checklist; the over-55-year-old wants health and a lifestyle match,” Beaton says.
The women know that dating can be daunting, especially after a three- or four-decade gap. Rip off the Band-Aid and just go on a date, they advise.
Says Beaton, “You’ve got a lot of life left. Ask yourself: ‘Do I really want to go it alone?’”
