By Marie Elium
I recently spent a morning unclogging our toilet after I flushed my husband’s deodorant and realized, too late, that underarm deodorant should never see the inside of a toilet bowl.
Looking down at an overflowing toilet, I suddenly understood the danger of TikTok and other video-sharing platforms, Chinese ownership and government data gathering aside. I’m not a social media influencer: I’m the influenced.
Slick Dreams
My social media mishap occurred like most poor decisions… between midnight and 3 a.m. I was scrolling through my TikTok feed, past playful golden retrievers and curly hair tutorials when I landed on a woman boiling a jar of Vaseline.
The Vaseline woman added fragrant oil, poured the liquid into an empty deodorant container, stuck it in the freezer and, just like that… the best perfumed Vaseline you’ve ever had and didn’t know you needed.
I hit my husband’s deodorant stockpile, popped out the solid bar and tossed it into the toilet, an action to be dealt with later, I soon learned.
I turned my attention to the empty container, poured in the melted Vaseline and stuck it next to a bag of frozen wontons. Eager for the heady pleasure of fragrant homemade Vaseline, I waited an hour to find it wouldn’t come out of the tube, no matter how much I twisted the bottom. That part wasn’t in the TikTok video. I spent the next two hours working the clog out of the toilet and cleaning Vaseline off the counter.
I’ve had issues with Instagram and Facebook, too. I’ve bought magnesium oil to rub on my feet because an influencer with 127,000 followers said it would help me sleep. I’ve bought an overpriced belt recommended by a content creator who promised it would give me a waistline. I’m embarrassed to admit, I even tried magnetic eyelashes to make me look younger. I tossed them (in the garbage, not a toilet) when a little girl looked up at me and said, “Mrs. Elium, you’ve got something hanging off your eye.”
While our government officials don’t trust social media, for me, it’s different: I can’t be trusted with social media. It leads me down rabbit holes of envy and hubris, and, while entertaining and occasionally inspiring, isn’t adding a lot to my overall well-being.
That brings me to our September/October issue, which features outdoor adventures you can do, not just watch on a video. With most of the heat and humidity behind us, fall is a wonderful time to venture out. We introduce you to people and programs to expand your world and push your limits. Not an outdoor adventure type? No problem. Start where you’re most comfortable and see how it goes.
I’m no expert on social media algorithms, but after looking up “How to Unclog a Toilet,” I’m getting unpleasant videos across my TikTok and Instagram feeds. Maybe I should think of the Vaseline incident as an act of patriotism. If the Chinese government believes America is full of Vaseline-melting citizens and clogged toilets, how much of a threat can we be?
America: home of the free, the brave, and the fragrantly oiled. Finally, I’ve found a way to serve our great country. It doesn’t compare to military service (thank you, veterans), but it’s all I’ve got. My Vaseline skin has never looked better.
