Grandparenting has changed – sort of. Parents may be healthier and more active than previous generations, but when they undertake the role of grandparent the concerns have a familiar ring. Will I see the grandkids? Why can’t I put the baby to sleep on his stomach? How (or should) I discipline? Why don’t my kids want advice?
RELATIONSHIPS
Families today are just as likely to be spread out across zip codes as they are neighborhoods. We’re more likely to use technology to keep in touch between visits.
The key to successful grandparenting remains deceptively simple: parents are the gateway. Discuss expectations, respect their judgment, and let mom and dad take the lead.
WHERE DO I START?
Grandparenting is important, but it is far different from parenting, says Amy Goyer, AARP’s family, parent and grandparenting expert.
“Ninety percent of grandparents believe they play an important role in their grandchildren’s lives,” Goyer says. “It’s a very important relationship. The more loving adults a child has in their life the more chances of success they have.”
“There’s something sort of magical about that skipped generation. Grandparents are in a position of not being a disciplinarian. The grandkids just feel safer sometimes talking to their grandparents,” Goyer says.
Fifty percent of grandparents discuss drugs, religion, spirituality and other serious issues with their grandchildren, according to an AARP survey.
In many cases, maintaining a relationship with grandkids motivates them to use tablets, smartphones and social media.
Relationships are based on shared experiences,” Goyer says. “Focus on the child. You’re there to listen. Show interest in (their activities). Be that steady person. In the teen years, persist,”
Also, communication with out-of-town grandchildren is easier than ever. Send letters, order gifts online, Skype, Facetime or have a set time to talk on the phone.
SAFETY FIRST
Those who attend Karen Spreng’s grandparent classes want to know safety basics, along with tips on how to fit in with the new family dynamics. Spreng is a health educator at the Cleveland Clinic Center for Consumer Health Information.
Many grandparents did not have their spouse in the delivery room, they might not have breastfeed or are unfamiliar with up-to-date safety issues. Today, babies sleep on their backs. Their cribs have fixed (not adjustable) sides. And mobiles and bumper pads are things of the past.
“It’s not that we did anything wrong,” says Spreng, a grandmother to 8- and 4-year-old girls. “We did all the right things according to the medical information at the time. If you’re going to give advice, make sure it’s asked for and medically correct.”
CHANGING TIMES
Sandy Martin, coordinator of prenatal and family life education at Southwest General Health Center, has taught grand-parenting classes for 18 years.
A grandparent herself, Martin says many people attend her classes at the urging of their children. They want to know not only how to keep kids safe but also how to be a good grandparent. “The role of a grandparent is different from a parent’s role,” Martin says. “A grandparent is a mentor, a confidant.”
It can take work to sort new roles for both parents and grandparents.
“A grandparent is a historian, a wizard, a nurturer, a teacher. They teach them the fun things that we as parents don’t have time to do,” Martin adds.
Spreng says. “Grandparents today are mobile. They’re still working. They have hobbies. They travel. They want to know how to schedule time.”
“You become a role model for aging. Martin says. “It’s good for them to know that people remain (active) as they age. It helps a grandchild, as they grow older, not to be afraid of aging.”
DON’T FORGET THE PARENTS
“The most important person in the grandparent/grandchild relationship is the parent. I advise grandparents to put just as much energy into the parents as the grandchild,” Goyer adds.
“Grandparents are so excited with a new grandchild. A grandparent needs to remember that your role is to support your child in being a good parent to those grand-kids.”
The best way to help forge a relationship with grandchildren is to respect the parents’ wishes and to support them. “I remind grandparents to listen to their own child, not to give advice. They want to do(things) their own way. They need to be asked, “Are you ok? Can I drop off some food? (Tell them) they’re a really good mom (or dad),” Martin says.
