Caregiver Corner
By Jennifer Beach
Many of the individuals who utilize my services are adult children who live out of town. Over time, they slowly begin to get more involved in their parents’ lives. Sometimes, an event — for example, a fall — can quickly escalate their level of involvement. Or their parents may have a slow, progressive condition they are trying to manage. Often, the adult children are busy raising their families and working. Suddenly, they are knee-deep in scheduling doctor appointments, getting legal documents in place, and spending more time assisting their parents in a variety of ways. All while meeting the demands of running their own households and keeping on top of their work and all it involves. Eating, sleeping, exercise, relationships and finances are all put on the back burner.
Before long, the worn-out adult child is viewed as the villain for taking car keys from their father with dementia, missing valuable moments with their teenager, and struggling with a strained relationship with their spouse.
This is where self-compassion should come into play. What is self-compassion and why do we need to be intentional about understanding and practicing it?
Self-compassion is the practice of extending the same care, patience and understanding to yourself that you would naturally offer to someone you care about. Think about when a friend talks to you about a mistake they made, or feel overwhelmed. Most people respond with empathy rather than judgment by listening, normalizing the difficulty, and offering encouragement. Self-compassion is giving yourself that same response inwardly, replacing self-blame with understanding and harsh self-talk with supportive language.
As caregivers, learning how to practice self-compassion can be especially challenging. Caregiving is often described as an act of love, but for many, especially after time and changes in the care recipient’s status, those feelings quietly evolve into obligation, guilt and relentless self-criticism. Caregivers frequently internalize a belief that tending to their own emotional needs is indulgent or often selfish. Over time, this mentality creates a caregiver who is compassionate toward others and unforgiving toward themselves.
Jennifer Bickel, MD, FAAN, vice president and chief wellness officer at The University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, believes the problem begins with misunderstanding the concept itself.
“People sometimes think self-compassion is permission for lower standards,” she explains. Over time, harsh self-talk becomes normalized, feeling guilty, not worthy of things your loved one can no longer do or enjoy becomes routine thoughts. “That’s not what this is about. Self-compassion is asking whether your internal dialogue is as kind as the words you would say to your best friend.”
Many caregivers internalize the idea that being ‘good’ means always being tireless and emotionally steady.
Experts emphasize that self-compassion starts with awareness. “You can’t change something you’re not aware of,” Dr. Bickel notes. “Most people don’t even realize how harsh their internal dialogue is.”
A particularly harmful notion among caregivers is the belief that there is one correct way of doing things and not doing things the right way amounts to a moral failing. “Give up the idea of perfection,” Dr. Potts advises. “Shoot instead for transformation. Authenticity in the presence of life’s challenges is a much more worthy goal.”
What if we replace the question ‘Did I do everything right?’ with ‘How did I show up for my loved one today?’ This way of thinking allows room for us to be human and recognize what we did do.
“Caregivers don’t forget self-compassion because they don’t care, they forget because everyone else’s needs come first,” says Susan White, founder of Caregiver Warrior. “That’s why kindness toward ourselves has to be practiced, prompted and protected.”
Caregiving experts agree that self-compassion is essential to prevent burnout, manage stress and avoid exhaustion.
Self-compassion ensures you remain strong enough to provide care. Research and data show that neglecting your own needs can lead to health complications, both physically and mentally.
The first step towards self-compassion is to notice how we talk to ourselves. Self-compassion or self-care is difficult, and it takes daily practice. We can start by asking ourselves, “Would I say the same thing I’m thinking about myself to a dear friend who is exhausted and overwhelmed by caring for a loved one?” Chances are, we would not; we would listen, let them know they are doing the best job they can caring for their loved one. We would let them know it’s OK and tell them they can’t do it all themselves; no one can. We may try to help them find ways to allow for breaks, time away and maybe even having some much-needed fun and laughter. We need to start allowing ourselves the same self-compassion.
