Family Get-Togethers
Try a Side of Boundaries; Hold the Criticism
Few people switch political parties because of a contentious Thanksgiving dinner discussion. A 35-year-old single granddaughter isn’t going to find a husband because her grandfather brings up her ticking biological clock. And if someone chooses a holiday to announce a pronoun preference, who knows how everyone will take the news?
Families and the holidays can be tough because relatives use fewer guardrails with each other. So, we’ve turned to the pros for help: psychologists Dr. Kathleen Payne, founder of Royalton Psychological Associates, and Dr. Adam Borland of the Cleveland Clinic Center for Adult Behavioral Health. Here are their tips for this happy, hectic and hot-topic season.
—Marie Elium
What’s the best way to handle tricky family discussions, and why do they happen?
Dr. Payne: Alcohol often emboldens people to say things to family members that they’d never say to friends or coworkers. Sometimes, people want to assert themselves to restructure their place in the family order.
Dr. Borland: Plan ahead. Identify the topics you’re willing and unwilling to discuss. Establish and maintain necessary boundaries. Display assertiveness (remind yourself it’s OK to say no to others). Encourage teamwork and gratitude (this may be the one time all year that the family gets together), but remember that it’s up to each individual to monitor their own behaviors.
Is it better to let everyone get things off their chest? Or do complicated topics and discussions present a teachable moment? Take gender pronouns; grandparents and older family members can have a tough time understanding that one.
Dr. Payne: Gender pronouns match who (someone) identifies as and not what their physical appearance may indicate. Just explain to the grandparents that using the right pronouns is a sign of respect for their grandchild, sort of like reminding the grandchild to use words like sir or ma’am when referring to their grandparents.
Dr. Borland: It’s important to remember that while we can’t control the actions of others, we have a choice regarding how we respond and behave.
If a family has a history of arguing about certain topics, like politics, should someone lay out the ground rules beforehand?
Dr. Payne: I run into this all the time with family gatherings. Refuse to discuss politics. If people persist, remind them that you want to remain civil to one another and politics tends not to help that. Tell them you want to continue having a relationship with them, minus the political talk.
Unsolicited parenting advice is another common topic. Our favorite would be from people who did not work with children or have children. I used to smile and nod and then forget about it. If they keep persisting, remind them that there are lots of ways to get to the same goal: raising a kind and functioning member of society, and you have a pretty good grasp of what works best for your kids.
Dr. Borland: Unhealthy familial norms may be emotionally triggering (eliciting such feelings as anger, frustration, worry, disappointment, fear). While laying out ground rules ahead of time (either as a group or on an individual level) may be helpful, it likely requires emotional flexibility, effective communication and empathy. Despite our best efforts to de-escalate a contentious situation, it’s important to remind ourselves it’s OK (or even advisable) to walk away, if needed.
Many of us tolerate nosy, insulting questions from family members because they’ve “earned that right.” But should we? What should we do about it?
Dr. Payne: My husband and I took seven years to get married and then another five years to have a child. I used to tell people who would ask when we were getting married that we were focusing on getting ourselves in good positions as individuals, so we would be successful when we came together as a couple.
Answer questions by thanking the person for caring about you and your future, but you do not have any news to share at this time. (If) you have news to share, you’ll make sure to let them know.
Dr. Borland: Focus on the positives –spending meaningful time together (everyone taking time out of their busy lives to come together as a family), happy memories, and shared interests. Be prepared to re-direct in the moment — come prepared with alternative topics that aren’t as emotionally triggering. Prioritize self-care—remind yourself it is not solely up to you to manage difficult familial dynamics. Enlist the help of other, more level-headed family members, as needed.
